Hyperism

I often tease my American friends, especially one in particular who tells me he is part Swedish part German and so on. I find it fascinating that the whole nation seems very into family trees and where they come from. I guess the whole country is filled with immigrants (ok completely ignoring the people who lived there from the start now) and it makes sense to wonder where their family come from. But what I wonder is how far back to you go then. So if you say you find out your great grandfather was in German, are you then German? Or do you then try to find out how German he really was? As Europe was filled with wars, raping, invasions and pillaging, we are all quite mixed up in our nationality pools.

I once at school had a conversation with a guy called Sven (no not making it up he really was called that) who claimed to be Swedish through and through. I think he made the point as the third person in this conversation was my friend Karolina who is half Polish. Sadly in Sweden there is a lot of nationality pride and this guy was really boasting about that there was no foreign blood in him. I asked him how he could know that, surely there would at least be a bit of Dane or Norwegian in him knowing how much the vikings got around, but he claimed to know that, no for generations for 100 of years there were only Swedes in his family. Very silly. Maybe he was trying to tell us he came from a very inbred family…who knows.

Only a few months after this very enlightened talk, Karolina and me were talking to this guy, he was a drop out from school and not the sharpest tool in the box, but for some reason we used to find it amusing to go and talk to him. This day he had a belt on that said 100% Swedish. Ok..to start with his last name was a very Polish name, so Karolina pointed out that surely he was like her 50% Swede. This annoyed him and he started mumbling about that his dad was only half polish, his grandmother was German. I think we stood around outside his parents flat for about 10 mins just counting how Swedish he actually was. I don’t remember the outcome but it was far from 100% that’s for sure.

I don’t really see why you want want to be 100% one nationality, surely it makes it a bit more interesting if you have family from all over? I have never tried to count how Swedish I am. My mum is Swedish so was my Dad. My mum’s, mothers’ family comes from North Sweden, and my mum’s dad, well he was adopted and had jet black curly hair, maybe he had Wallon heritage who knows. (His Mother worked at some kind of castle or big mansion and had more kids before him and there seems to have been some rumours about the owner of the castle maybe being the dad. His father is listed as unknown, but I’d love to find out more about that part of the family). My dad’s family tree is made up from his dad who came from a long generation of statare. His mothers family wandered over from Finland, but a big part of her family also emigrated to America. So all you Americans out there with Swedish roots…we might be related

Sooo..how Swedish does that make me?

This year has so far not been very normal. I have been planning so many things. Our wedding, relaunching our website at work, my first ever trip to the US etc. Now when all those things are over, I find myself feeling really stressed over day to day life, like what happens next. I’d like to be able to just settle in to living the normal life and get up go to work and get on with things, but I guess in my head things are still needing to be planned. Next big project will be to do the kitchen, which will probably be a pain, but I am really looking forward to it too. I also really would like to finally take a drivers licence. I am turning 31 this year and I have never driven a car. It scares me to death now, but I guess I just have to get on with it.

I my mind I have set September to the starting point of starting these next projects. During august I will try and relax, maybe try and go away for a weekend somewhere with Steve. We have been thing of of maybe Ireland or Belgium or Germany. Me and Susie are going away next weekend to Helsinki and that I am looking forward to lot too.

I need to get better at relaxing. I am constantly thinking of what to do next. I tried doing yoga a few times as it was supposed to make you relaxed. But it just stressed the hell out of me. Same movements over and over. No when it comes to stress busting I prefer a hard work out at the gym. Plus I could never get the breathing right.

In all honesty I know what is stressing me so much and it is a long story, but it more or less has to do with the fact I should be starting to take disease modifying drugs. But it is never so easy to just start taking them. I guess I haven’t been wanting to think about it at all. But this year I have been more or less forced to thinking and talking about it. But it scares me, and the idea of injecting myself several times a week is nothing I look forward too. But it will have to happen, one day. I do think it is the right way to go. I just need to sort out when.

On a day like this when I am feeling a lot of pins and needles in my right side, I think about the whole thing more than I do normally. I really don’t want to think about MS all the time, frankly it is boring. And just because I have MS, it shouldn’t have me (cheesy saying I know :P). I guess it is due to the antibiotics and feeling worn down that I am feeling tingly and funny, as I haven’t felt a lot of this at all this year, so it gets me down a bit. I know I just need to ride it out and get on with life. It just feels unfair and stupid at times. Oh no this is turning into a boo-hoo poor me post. I don’t really mean it like that either. Just reflecting a bit that is all.

What I really should go is to go outside an de-weed the garden it is starting to look wild in both the front and back garden. Then I got some work to do for a friend. And then…I should try another hand at that relaxing thing ;)…as I write this Steve is still sleeping, it is 11.01 am…I should really take a leaf out of my husbands book!

We are suburban homeboys
With our suburban ho’s right by our sides
We are suburban homeboys and we say yo dog and we mean it, by God
We’ve got an old school mentality
Oxford and Cambridge mentality
Props to our peeps and please keep your receipts
And we are suburban homeboys

suburban homeboy - sparks

You know you are getting on a bit when you walk past some teens and not really understand what they are saying. That is when you after sitting on a bus eavesdropping on the 15 year old’s who don’t make sense sit up and think “shit I have turned into my parents”.

Of course I also had a period of talking teenage nonsense, me and my friends would add “‘ba” to the end of every sentence. That is short for bara which means only or just. Used to get told of all the time by both their parents and mine. I wonder if teens in Sweden still do that, or if it was an early 90’s thing? Not sure when I stopped it either.

But language between friends is a funny thing, I often end up having some kind of invented language with my friends. First time was when I was about 9 and me and one friend had a long list of songs that meant certain things so we could speak in codes around other friends or parents. It was quite complicated, if I sang a certain song like for example “dansa i neon” it meant I wanted my friend to say she had to go home, so therefore the third friend would have to go home too, then she would wait around the corner on the street and then sneak back into the house again, and we could continue playing without the other friend there. If she agreed to this plan she would sing along to the song, if not she would sing another song.

Next chapter in my language making was at collage when me and my friend Karolina invented our own language called Neumanism (it had a whole world and philosophy behind it ) but the gist of it was the same, an excuse of talking as much rubbish as possible in front of people we didn’t like.

And now, I guess I have fallen victim for lolspeak (it started with l33t and moved on to lolspeak). I can have long conversations with Susie and Steve that are complete nonsense like this. Ok it worked online on messenger and in email, but now we kind of talk like this when we meet too. It might have gone too far? Our wedding rings are even engraved with pwned.

I guess the point that I am trying to make is that it all sounds good to the person included in the language, but to someone on the outside it just sounds stupid. A few weeks ago I walked past some very blonde very white english posh schoolgirls calling each other bluds, and indeed it did make me lol

On Monday morning I had a very annoying dream. I had woken up and gone downstairs to lock the door after Steve and went back to bed, I fell asleep and dreamt I forgot to lock the door (we have been a bit paranoid about this after having the house broken in to twice). In my dream I went downstairs to lock only to find everything in the sitting-room gone apart from the sofa and the bookcases. Got so angry I sat up in the bed and swore. I even had to get up just to check the door really was locked before I went back to sleep again.

Dreams are weird. When I was little I used to dream about a strange house with grey stairs where I kept on falling down. I also often used to dream about being in the back of a car, only to find out no-one was driving so I had to climb in the front and my feet wouldn’t reach down.

If I am feeling stressed or angry I almost always dream about one of my best friends ex, he is trying to get her back, often by breaking in to her house. She is totally helpless and I have to fend him off. Or I get the dreams that are very violent where I am beating people up (I’d like to point out I haven’t been in a fight since I was 8).

If I am feeling worried about something, I tend to dream I get ignored. I will for example see some old flame or someone and he will go away when he sees me. Or I’ll have a dream where someone gets killed and we have to hide the body. When I read The Secret History I was a bit freaked out how much like some dreams I have had it was.

And then there are those dreams you just can’t explain why the hell you have them. My Friend Susie dreamt of seeing a large Santa, ferrying a boat filled of dead santas over a lake, like it was the river Styx. I once dreamt a black and white cartoon of a wolf chasing a little penguin around a meat factory, the dream ended with the penguin tricking the wolf so it fell in to a mince making machine. The penguin then kept on turning the wheel of the machine and kept on repeating “mincemeat mincemeat” . A few months ago, I dreamt me and Steve were sent out on a mission by some wise woman to dig up the bones of Kenneth Branagh (yes I know he is not dead, and it was the first thing I thought of when I woke up). His bones would give the person who found them good luck. We kept on running around in mud, dream ended with Steve finding the grave, it was huge and lots of people were there digging. I was on another side of a barbwire fence trying to get in to dig too.

What is your strangest dream?

The feeling of falling asleep is the best feeling in the world, specially when you are very aware of that you are doing it. Like when desperately trying to staying awake watching a so-so film on the telly, and you can feel your eyelids getting really heavy and you can really feel yourself drift away. Aww yeah that is the shit!

Not sleeping great at the moment due to the silly headaches, going to see the GP tomorrow, I doubt anything will come out of it, but who knows, I am willing to try anything now.

Since we came back from our honeymoon I seem to be getting headaches of and on. Now it is very ON. Has been since friday, no painkillers seem to be helping. I am thinking of giving up coffee. Now I know that will just makes it worse for awhile, but maybe it is the way to go? Slowly give up caffeine. Starting with the coffee move on to the diet coke, and then stop completely? Brrr. I know I can I have done it before. And drinking the crap doesn’t do anything good for the body. I was like a junkie in Sweden trying to get her next coffee fix.

Maybe when I come back from Finland I should try to do a detox? Anybody done any good ones? I did one about 2 years ago, where for 4 weeks, I more or less just ate Vegan food, and no sugar or white bread or pasta. I did feel really good when I did that, but I got a bit bored with the food. But maybe I should try that, to see if it would help, at the moment I seem to just eat absolute rubbish and it is not doing me any favours at all. Headache is probably just one of the things trying to tell me to stop!

Came back last night (almost this morning) from a lovely weekend in Sweden. It was one of my best friends wedding, and it was so nice seeing her so happy. We met 15 years ago and stuck together like glue. We were almost like family members as her mum died and she ended up living on her own. But she spent so much time at my house, my mum more or less saw her as an extra daughter. My last year at University we lost contact, I didn’t get on at all with her then boyfriend, and I guess I behaved a bit like an asshat. But he was a nasty goat about 4 years later we got back in touch again. This time she had given the nasty goat the boot, and since that day we have have been emailing and calling like idiots. It is so nice to know that she has found a nice guy and is finally happy, if anyone deserves it she does!

I did a speech at the reception, it was a bit scary. I used to quite like talking in public, I guess I used to be in love with my own voice a bit or something ;). But I hardly ever do these days, so it was a bit strange. Also it was in Swedish, ok yes it is my mother tongue but I don’t really speak a lot of it these days. So I go a bit rusty. Basically I am turning into one of those actor-dicks that move to Hollywood and start speaking Swedish with an American accent. A friend of mine recently pointed out I speak Swedish, like it was English, use English sayings translated to Swedish etc etc. It is really bad, but maybe my tiny mind can’t handle it. Could also have something to do with some cognitive hoo-hah brought on by MS, but I can’t really blame all my errors on that ;).

Speaking of languages, I would love to learn a new one. I was toying with the idea of Japanese, but got a bit put off by the whole non-western script. My friend Susie is learning Mandarin, and I am quite jealous how easy it is for her. She is doing fantasticly well, and it does inspire me. I have been thinking of Finnish too. But it also seem very difficult, maybe I should just settle for learning to say some phrases when I go over there. Me and Susie are going for a long Weekend next week. Should be fun. But so far I can only say hello, goodday, excuse me and swear a lot. But maybe that is all I need

Susie and Steve were amused by the Swedish tradtions at the wedding, such as clinking glasses to get the bride and groom to kiss. The rush to kiss the groom if the bride leaves her seat, and most of all, all the singing. There were some extreemly rude songs there, which some people helped them translate. Can’t say we had anything like that at our wedding. Get your dictionaries out and try to translate this one…I can start you off and tell you that Blottare is a Flasher.

I was just looking through my old livejournal when I came across my fav meme of all times. I did it and got Steve to do one too..his was..interesting…

*pastes*

[04 May 2003|12:11am] stolen from..well everywhere..

Pick a band and answer only using that band’s song titles:

Sparks

1. Are you male or female?: Something For the Girl With Everything
2. Describe yourself: Angst in my Pants
3. How do some people feel about you?: Frankly, Scarlett I don’t give a damn
4. How do you feel about yourself?: When do I get to Sing My Way
5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend/interest: The No 1 Song in Heaven
6. Where would you rather be?: This Town Ain’t Big Enough For the both Of Us
7. Describe what you want to be: Sherlock Holmes
8. Describe how you live: Pulling Rabbits Out of A Hat
9. Describe how you love: Love-O-Rama
10. Share a few words of wisdom: Never Turn You Back on Mother Earth

Steve also wanted to make one…hrmmm

Pick a band and answer only using that band’s song titles:

mu-ziq

1. Are you male or female?: gruber’s mandolin
2. Describe yourself: organic tomato yoghurt
3. How do some people feel about you?: xenith filigree anus
4. How do you feel about yourself?: 4 time egg
5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend/interest: jiggery panky
6. Where would you rather be?: twangle frent
7. Describe what you want to be: funky pipecleaner
8. Describe how you live: mushroom compost
9. Describe how you love: hasty boom alert
10. Share a few words of wisdom: phi*1700[u/v]

In two separate conversations today I ended up talking about music and the effect it has on people. A few weeks ago I went to a Therapy centre for a work thing, and the director of that centre was talking about some new things they would like to try out if they would get funding, one of the things they were looking into was music therapy. I believe that music really can enhance your mood, but also make it worse. Try playing me Drum and Bass, and you will see what I mean, my first reaction will be to up and leave the room, if I can’t do this I will get stressed and agitated and eventually in a bad mood. That kind of music just stresses the hell out of me. Other music have other effects on me, German angry ebm makes me get mental images like the ones Alex get at the end of Clockwork orange when he says “I was cured alright”. If i really really enjoy a song you can tell my looking at my arms as the little hairs will stand on end.

Some times it is just enough with sounds and blipps for my hairs to look like I am standing out in the cold. I love sounds, back in the day when I used to be on IRC on #industrial there used to be a Jets vs Sharks type struggle between the metallers and the ones branded with synthfags. I belonged to the latter, and I still do. I just can’t get enough of blipps. Try this song and see what you feel, if anything.

Trademark - Burn

When you tell people you have never met before you are Swedish you get some standard reactions and questions. Of course this varies a bit on how you look or what gender you are. In my case it tend to go a bit like this, if a woman; “oh Swedish, I thought all swedes were tall and blond? ” if a man; *dirty look and sly smile* “don’t you have the wrong hair colour?”. Then this is often filled with general musings about Ikea, meatballs, Bjorn Borg or ABBA. Oh ABBA, lovely ABBA, all of the world loves ABBA. I don’t love ABBA, I don’t dislike ABBA, but I don’t really feel much either way. I own one good thing ABBA related, and that is the Erasure EP with Covers. Lay all your love on me is beautiful.

Anyway, there is a lot of ABBA everywhere because of the Mamma Mia film coming out. I was reading an article about how that musical was made, a woman begged Bjorn and Benny for years to make it, she got a another woman to write the story that ties together the music. I have never seen it so maybe I shouldn’t say anything about it. But for me it seem like a easy way to do a musical. The hard bit would be to write the music. Let’s face it a lot of musicals have crap stories, like Cats. So if the music is already written putting it together with a story around it shouldn’t be all that hard. Oh btw I haven’t seen Queen, we will rock you either, for this reason.

This was how I wanted to make a musical when I was 11 years old. I was really bossy and made my friends do dances that I thought out in my head(no not the polka ;P), and I was working out some story line to stick the very random songs together. I don’t remember any of it now sadly. But I used to spend hours planing this. I was very obsessed with musicals after seeing fame.

But what is next after ABBA and Queen?

Ace of Base? All that she wants - the musical - a story about a desperate woman’s search for a baby, will she get one before she turns into a womb raider?

Roxette, It must have been love- the musical, a story about hairspray, bad hair and joyriding.

Depeche Mode? Blasphemous Rumors - The Musical, Martin Gores fights with his own personal Jesus and tries to overcome his issues with God?

nah I don’t know. I think what they really should do is Angst in my Pants - The musical, THAT I would go and watch!